what am i???

Please get out of my dreams.
Git.
Go away.

Coretan

Apis kata dia teringin nak tengok aku jadi wakil UIA.
Aku terkedu. Apis sangat menghargai bakat yang ada pada aku.
Hati kecil aku sangat tersentuh dengan harapan yang mungkin tidak tergapai itu.
Main futsal pun kaki aku masih terketar-ketar menahan pedih, ini kan pula main bola.
Aku tidak tahu menahu akan perihal skru yang ditanam dalam lutut aku 10 bulan yang lepas.
MRI tiada. Apa pun tiada.
Lutut aku sakit lagi. Aku rasa prospek untuk aku kembali beraksi makin menipis.
Tiap-tiap petang aku cuma buat fisio di bilik.
Ramai kawan yang ajak main. tapi aku menolak.
fisio sangat bosan dan menjelikkan. setiap kali aku angkat pemberat di kaki, setiap kali itu jugalah tahap kebosanan aku semakin melonjak.
aku jemu hidup dalam persekitaran yang tiada cabaran.
aku mahu bergasak dalam padang sampai aku berkeringat puas macam dulu.
dah lama aku tak berlari. dah lama aku tak menggelecek. dah lama aku tak rasa gagah dan perkasa.
kadang-kadang aku rasa seperti aku berseorangan dalam menempuh dugaan ini. namun aku tahu Allah sentiasa ada untuk aku. Allah akan sentiasa mencurahkan cinta-Nya kepada aku. Allah Maha Adil.

                                                                               Allah akan selamatkan aku.

Blogwan Di Bawah Yang Aku Senaraikan Bukan Aku

Aku bukan blogwan
yang bisa mencanting kata
seindah pelangi

Aku bukan blogwan
yang memahat duka
di dinding sepi

Aku bukan blogwan
yang mencatat sakit
di pinggir malam

Aku bukan blogwan
yang hilang perlahan
dalam keramaian.


hening pagi
persona: blogwan tak tegar
setting: gloomy weather

Control room

I am in the control room
and alone with Alone
confined in the strictest silence

on my left,
a door but could not I escape

and on my right another,
but could not I escape from there too

these electronic buttons have made me a robot

i am controlled
in the control room.

Hey, guess what? It's my birthday.

Well, how time flies.

I'm already 22 years and 8 hours old at this very moment.

A lot of thanks for my mom and dad who have been the best parentsfor all this while. Not to forget other educators who contribute to my upbringing. I promise myself to not to become an ungrateful piece of shit for all of you. 

In Shaa Allah.

p/s: birthday presents, anyone?

Selamat Tinggal

Selamat tinggal kuman,
Selamat tinggal jalan,
selamat tinggal debu,
selamat tinggal lembu
selamat tinggal cacing,
selamat tinggal kucing,
selamat tinggal ayam,
selamat tinggal pondok tempat menganyam,
selamat tinggal anjing,
selamat tinggal gambar di dinding,
selamat tinggal dapur,
selamat tinggal siling kapur,
selamat tinggal kerusi dan meja,
selamat tinggal jarum peniti dan reja,
selamat tinggal cermin,
selamat tinggal botol-botol dan tin,
selamat tinggal buku,
selamat tinggal bangku,
selamat tinggal sikat,
selamat tinggal pacat,
selamat tinggal petai,
selamat tinggal pantai,
selamat tinggal bukit,
selamat tinggal langit,
selamat tinggal katil,
selamat tinggal mata kail,
selamat tinggal kereta,
selamat tinggal cacing pita,
selamat tinggal bantal busuk,
selamat tinggal nasi dagang dan keropok,
selamat tinggal penyu,
selamat tinggal Yu,
selamat tinggal pakcik,
selamat tinggal makcik,
selamat tinggal bayang,

selamat tinggal adik abang,

selamat tinggal kak,
selamat tinggal mak,
selamat tinggal bapak,
selamat tinggal semua,
selamat tinggal CINTA.

#berlepas

Lelaki Misteri

Kebelakangan ini, aku sering sahaja didatangi oleh seorang pemuda dalam tidurku. Tidak ku kenal siapakah gerangannya; dia berkaca mata empat segi, tona warna kulitnya agak cerah, dan parasnya ada sedikit kebaratan. Aku tahu ini bukan mimpi normal; ini paranormal. Bukannya setakat hadir dalam mimpiku kerap kali, yang lagi anehnya makhluk itu sering merenungku dengan pandangan yang tajam dan penuh dengan kebencian dan kesumat yang telah lama tersimpul dan menunggu masa untuk diuraikan. Aku tak takut mahupun gerun, walhal aku terasa seperti mahu membelasahnya sampai lunyai. Aku cukup tak gemar kalau orang pandang aku macam aku ini syaitan.

Paras itu tidak pernah aku nampak, masakan lagi pernah aku sapa mahupun bersahabat. Bagai nak pecah kepala aku menjana logik kepada hal ini. Jus-jus otak ibarat mahu kering didera kontemplasi. Ia lah. Masakan tidak. Orang yang tidak pernah aku tahu wujud atau kenal secara tiba-tiba sahaja masuk menceroboh ke alam lenaku dan merenungku jijik tak tentu pasal. Siapakah dia ini sebenarnya? Syaitan kah, atau malaikat kah? Atau ini salah satu bentuk sihir? Nauzubillah. Aku cuba bertanya siapakah dia. Siapa kau? "Nama aku...." Mimpi aneh ini seringkali berakhir dengan begitu sahaja. Ya. Makhluk misteri itu hanya sempat menuturkan dua patah perkataan: Nama aku.

Aku tahu ini bukan mimpi biasa. Ini mungkin satu petunjuk, atau bahkan mungkin satu amaran kepadaku.  Wallahu a'lam.

Things I Suck At

1. Not being lazy
2. Not being recalcitrant
3. Writing
4. Relationships
5. Sleeping heavily
6. Cooking
7. Updating blog
8. Tweet
9. Self-critic
10. Self-introspection
11. Teaching
12. Being invisible
13. Procrastinate
14. Watching movie with a bunch of loud friends
15. Song composing

You, Me, and Hospital

I shall document history. A selected event of my life. An epiphany.  

17/1/2013

today is thursday.a bunch of staffs come to me to check my condition.everything is done;they check on my symptoms,my calf diameter and scribble on my legs for measurements.pain is felt at times when the doctors twist my right knee.i am flummoxed with all the medical jargons that keep bombarding my ears.i comprehend some of the terms used by those doctors and trainers,and some are unprecedented.

18/1/2013

today i will undergo the first surgery ever in my life.i couldnt sleep last night,thinking about the pain that i will bear after the surgery.the pain looks too much,reflected from this other patient's face.he has experienced it, and he knows very well how the wrath feels like.he says he's been crying all day the first day his knee got operated.i cannot imagine the pain.thus, in every precious second left, i think i should conceptualize beforehand how will the pain embody in my knee as it might reduce the pain because i have expected its coming earlier, i guess.

the atmosphere in my room,occupied by 6 patients including me, is soaked with anxiety and worry.the future is really terrifying.sometimes, it feels like living in the present is just sufficient for us.but then again,man cannot evolve just by dwelling in the present,he must explore and morphosize into something else to fit in the future.in conclusion,i must undergo the operation ,feel the pain,recover, and become normal again.

19/1/2013

the pain has been very torturous since this morning.i sleep in pain and i dream of pain!the worst thing to tell is, i feel like hell when a nurse pull out the urinating tube from my genital.that could be the worst pain ever felt in my life.

21/12013

the unbearable torment has finally vanished after i do several sets of exercises that are taught by dr arsyad.he is a specialist in sports injury.his cool temperament cools off my tension.his face looks very expert.i gradually learn to walk with my walking sticks and it is really tiring actually.some co-patients have been discharged and i am glad to see their happy faces.i have made friends here.being in hospital is not that bad.as if

Eternal Damnation

Last night I got this weird dream, very peculiar in any degree of dreams I must say. i don't think it was just a bogus play by the Satan. I think it somehow tried to impart some kind of message to my conscience. Yes. I think this is real. These continual and perennial fragments of unsolved puzzle just keep coming. I saw 'her'. She was staring at me with her round eyes but i just don't get what she was trying to say. Her gaze was trying to tell me that I am the malefactor, not anyone else. The gaze was a mixture of many emotions, notably hatred. In the dream, I kept mum and stared back at her. Then she vanishes.

This dream keeps coming in my sleep. 

Campfire in Our House

Hi, it's me again.

I still remember the days in Ramadhan when we were still kids, Ayah had always enticed us to not to sleep after sahur by telling his ghost-stories after we took our sahur. His tales were so well-crafted and appealing that we didn’t even have the chance to feel sleepy. 

The image is still vividly emblazoned in my psyche; there, we sat in circle in the dark living room, as we went along with Ayah’s instantly-made stories. Yes. Almost every story that he told us are made up on the spot! We siblings had been very attentive to his story-telling. All sorts of hantu were created; hantu kipas, hantu pen, and many more hantus who haunt normal things like stationeries and cutleries were all there. The coolest part was, we never get bored of his stories. Ayah is one excellent ad-hoc story-teller.

Happy Ramadhan.

Note2

The furore over the so-claimed unfair and dirty recent general election
is not over yet.Here and there people seek for remedial actions for this
kind of mental torture; the torture of hope.in the vicinity of future,
the people wants something more legit, and something more realistic, and timely.

Note1

I must say the current situation of mine is extremely abominable.
I regularly, and vehemently force myself to be a man whose transferability of skills and drills being recognized and revered by the public.
The urge to propel myself to prominence really pumps me up. I am in dire need to mimic the illustrious past success now.
And I will remain convinced.

Abstract from the Mind

Fatal Morgana

What do you see from this painting?

1- An alien
2- A rose
3- A spaceship
4- A man wave-surfing
5- A shark
6- An insect
7- The Earth

Poem of LV

eViL
LiVes among the
eVoLVing LoVes

Like a siLent reVoLVer
drawn
to eVoke
a pack of woLVes

there's an iron VeLVet
in a gLoVe
when the Eve
drops its VeiL
the eViL is aLiVe
up from eLeVen
until dawn reViVes

Dunia, aku minta maaf!

Ingin aku berlari ke setiap inci dan sudut dunia
dan laung "aku minta maaf!"
sebab aku salah satu daripada mereka
aku minta maaf!
sebab aku salah satu daripada mereka
yang berbuat durhaka
yang beraksi durjana
yang bernafas celaka

ingin aku selam dalam dalam ke dalam kolam
selam ku cari Pak Katak
yang lebih banyak berteriak
memuji Yang Satu tanpa bongkak
ini aku, sembahyang lima waktu pun ada yang luak
itu pun sibuk bergasak mencari khalayak
untuk koleksi piala ibadat yang tak berapa nak enak

maafkan aku dunia!
maafkan aku!
jasad hampa ini seakan taknak kembali
jiwa ranah ini seolah tak sedar-sedar lagi!

maafkan aku dunia!
kerana aku khalifah yang lemah
setelah dibantai teruk oleh ammarah dan lawwamah

Namun
Percayalah padaku dunia!
kerana khalifah yang pernah punah ini
masih dipapah oleh sisa rahmah.


Lokasi: Ruang tamu, depan TV atas lantai.
masa: 1045 pagi
cuaca: redup dan sayu
setting: darkened living room

Puisi Sepi

ke puncak gunung aku, teriak ku

ke hutan belantara aku, teriak ku

ke pesisir aku, teriak ku

ke safari aku, teriak ku

ke dasar laut? bisa teriak tidak, walhal sesak

ke angkasa lepas? bisa teriak tidak, walhal pekak

ke dasar hatimu? bisa teriak mungkin, namun onak.

tempat: gua persinggahan hibernat

masa: 6.13 pm

p/s: rase nok berjiwang kadang2 mari

A Brilliant Guy

i am glad i never dated a girl, never even once.
and that's why i hail myself different than any other typical guys.
Go me.

Asyik

Dengan bahasa kalimah yang sama
Puji dan memuja
Dilindung dan dibuka
Rahsiakan tetap rahsia

Indah bukan rupa
Harum bukan bunga
Manis bukan gula
Panas bukannya bara
Cintakan tetap cinta
Sejak aku kenali
CintaMu yang suci
Aku telah berjanji
Tak berpaling lagi

Akan aku genggam api
Hingga jadi besi
Dan nyata sebati

Gelap bukan malam
Terang bukan siang
Satu tak terbilang
Hanyut tak terenang
Waktu tak terasa
Rindu tak terkata
Asyiknya cinta

Dan hanya kepadaMu
Kuserah jiwa ragaku
Walau berjuta seteru
Tak kuragu

(Ya Allah, selamatkanlah kami.)





Sumber : http://www.liriklagumuzika.com/2008/08/lirik-asyik-damasutra.html#ixzz2P683RjVI

Garismasa Twitter Bersalut Cinta

Apabila aku skrol garismasa twitter

Aku nampak

Cinta, cinta, cinta, cinta,cinta,cinta,

Cinta,cinta,cinta,cinta,cinta,cinta,

Ribuan, jutaan tema cinta

Cinta monyet, cinta tiga segi, cinta gila,

Cinta terhalang, cinta pandang pertama,

Cinta palsu, cinta kahwin, putus cinta

Ini semua cerita-cerita cinta

Yang bagi aku tidak perlu dikongsi kepada semua

Yang bagi aku tidak perlu diuar-uar satu dunia

Yang bagi aku cukup disimpan sendiri sahaja

Tak perlu nak kecoh-kecoh bercerita

“ya!aku dah jatuh cinta”

“ya!aku dilamun cinta!”

“ya!aku dah putus cinta!”

“dunia! Lihat aku ni, kesian ditinggalkan cinta!”

Apa kita ini hidup dengan satu genre sahaja?

Yakni cinta?

Itu fi’il anak melayu di twitter

Selalu berbicara tentang cinta

Cita-cita entah ke mana

ke laut sudah agaknya

dimamah bilis-bilis dan ikan aya

kasihan anak melayu kita.

Tujuh Pagi di Hospital Kuala Lumpur

tujuh pagi di hospital kuala lumpur
pagi-pagi lagi aku dah jejak hospital kuala lumpur
pagi-pagi lagi dah kuhembus kuhirup nafas kotor
pagi-pagi lagi dah dikepung oleh pagar masa yang tak pernah lentur

tujuh pagi di hospital kuala lumpur
dari dulu lagi para pesakit berjam-jam beratur
untuk hanya beberapa minit menyembah tuan doktor

aku di sini
di hospital kuala lumpur
ditemani wajah-wajah yang akur
pada tujuh pagi di hospital kuala lumpur


7.15 pagi
di luar jabatan ortopedik 
hospital kuala lumpur.

Jika perkataan keluar seketul-seketul

Jika perkataan keluar dari mulut

Seketul

Seketul

seketul

Diluah

Dimuntah

Diludah

Gedebuk

gedebak

gedebik

mengisi kosmos-kosmos

memenuhi ruang-ruang angkasa

pasti tak muat lagi dunia untuk dihuni

jika perkataan keluar dari mulut

seketul

seketul

seketul

aku nampak kau punya abjad dari pangkal hati

kau nampak aku punya aksara sunyi

aku nampak kau punya gah

kau nampak aku punya latah

jika perkataan keluar dari mulut

seketul

seketul

seketul

tidak halimunan malahan pejal,

legap

tajam

meruap-ruap

panas

ganas

jika perkataan keluar dari mulut

gedebuk

gedebak

gedebik

9/3/2013

11.28 malam 

kamar lahad

Kron

"I want to have a sword!"

Kron shouts to his father, a blacksmith in the town. His father frowns. His sweats dip in the burning ashes underneath his chin. He is forging a sword, but not for his son. It's for his customer.

"I want a sword, father!". Now, Kron's tone just gets louder. He seems to be in dire need of possessing a sword, and his desperate face substantiates his cause.

"Why would you want a sword, son?" Heathcliff demands an answer from his 19-year-old child, his only child.

"I want to kill that dragon".

when you are not in it, you're just not in it

a lot has happened.
and recently i've been hopelessly reaching something that wasn't in my capacity from the very first place.
from the first try maybe you got some clues of what you should do, but then again you would get the why-did-i-even-try feeling.
i know words are cheap.nevertheless it is only words that i have