Rain Rants

Rain drops, rain drops

My heart drops

My heart drops, oh flop.

Rain patters, rain patters

My soul falters

My soul falters, oh mother

Rain taps, rain taps

My heart slaps

My soul swaps, oh crap.

I Turned to Papa

I turned to papa

who sits in the dark corner in our house

Swallowed within the puffy couch,

reading his books, old and new

With his glasses, askew

I turned to papa

Who sits in the dark corner in our house

Drowning he is, sunken he is, paused

Like a submarine who delves in the abyss

No one will interrupt the voyage of his                      

I turned to papa

Who sits in the dark corner of our house.

I turned to papa

Syawal Yang Kosong

Aidilfitri tahun ini merupakan Aidilfitri yang paling berbeza pernah aku rasai, dan mungkin juga paling kosong dan menghibakan. Kulihat langit, langit tidak secemerlang tahun-tahun sudah. Kurenung mega, mega bukannya semegah mega-mega yang selalu, yang berarak di kaki langit bak bunga teratai yang berdansa  di permukaan kolam. Jiwaku tidak mampu untuk mencapai harmoni dengan alam kosmos, dek kerana darahku yang segumpal itu tidak mampu untuk bernyanyi lagi.

Malam itu aku pulang ke Terengganu dengan hati yang ringan dan riang. Semester pendekku baru sahaja melabuhkan tirainya dan hanya satu perkara yang aku mainkan dalam benakku: balik kampung, raya dah dekat. Seingat aku, pada masa itu hanya tinggal beberapa hari lagi puasa sebelum Syawal menjelma.

Setibanya aku di wilayah yang telah lama aku tinggalkan itu, aku terus menghubungi ayah untuk datang menjemputku di terminal bas. Sepanjang perjalanan pulang ke rumah, kami rancak berbual, dan aku berkongsi cerita-ceritaku di universiti. Ayah ialah seorang yang sangat suka berbual, lebih-lebih lagi semenjak memasuki zaman persaraannya.

Aku sampai ke rumah pada pukul 6 pagi tepat. Suasana di kampung halamanku yang hening menghadirkan damai di hatiku. Sudah agak lama bagiku yang berkelana di Kuala Lumpur tidak menghirup oksigen sesegar ini. Aku memberi salam sebelum masuk ke rumah. Seperti yang aku jangka, ibu dan adikku masih lagi di tingkat atas, belum turun lagi nampaknya. Aku mendaratkan bagasi-bagasi yang kupikul di dalam bilikku. Kelihatan ada sedikit perubahan di ruang tamu rumahku; ruang yang dulunya kemas kini agak berselerak. Aku terus melunsur ke bilik air untuk mengambil wuduk bagi menunaikan fardu subuh. Setelah selesai menunaikan solat, kedengaran bunyi tapak kaki ibu yang agak perlahan tempo langkahannya, menuruni satu demi satu anak tangga.

Akhirnya paras dan susuk tubuh ibu yang sudah lama tidak kulihat muncul juga dari balik tirai. Segala perasaan bercampur baur setelah kutatap wajah ibu yang paling kurindui itu. Gembira dan hiba berselang seli menerjah masuk dan keluar dari dadaku. Tubuh ibu sangat kurus dan pipinya cekung. Aku sebak, namun aku tunjuk ekspresi biasa. Aku terus bersalam dan mencium tangan ibu. Sepanjang dua bulan aku tinggalkan ibu, ibu sudah menjadi sebegitu kurus. Namun, aku masih lagi kabur dengan apa yang terjadi.

Sepanjang keberadaanku di rumah, barulah aku mendapat tahu bahawa ibu telah diserang paru-paru berair. Aku sangat terkejut mendengarkan hal ini. Ibu hanya sempat berpuasa tiga hari. Apabila bercakap sahaja tentang perkara itu, ibu menjadi sebak kerana Ramadhannya tahun ini merupakan Ramadhan yang paling tidak sempurna buatnya. Aku faham. Aku faham akan kesengsaraan yang ditanggung oleh ibu, kesengsaraan tidak mampu berpuasa. Ibu hanya banyak meluangkan masanya dengan terlantar di atas katil. Semua kerja rumah dilaksanakan oleh kami adik-beradik. Sekarang aku tahu betapa besarnya pengorbanan ibu. Kami tahu betapa agungnya kasih ibu. Walaupun emosi ibu kadangkala menjadi tidak stabil, kami tidak ambil hati. Aku tahu kesakitan yang dialami ibu telah sedikit sebanyak mempengaruhi emosinya.

Setiap kali aku memandang ibu, aku terasa sungguh pilu. Kadang-kadang, aku memandang ibu dari jauh ketika ibu sedang tidur. Itulah insan yang telah melahirkanku. Itulah insan yang telah bersusah-payah membesarkanku. Itulah insan yang telah mengajarkanku apa itu erti cinta. Di kala bersendirian, aku menangis sepuas-puasnya kerana tidak lagi mampu kutanggung sebak yang membeku di dalam hati. Kalau boleh, aku tidak mahu berpisah dengan ibu pada usia semuda ini. Aku perlu menjadi lebih matang dan kuat untuk kuhadapi dunia tanpamu ibu.  

  

last night

Last night was a night of wonder.

I can’t erase the images that I saw in my nightmare which keep appearing in my psyche. 

Maybe, 

might I say, 

the embodiment of the bad dream was so vivid 

so much so I could not help myself but keep rewinding 

the same heart-pounding fragments of the dream. I could not agree more with the idea that says 

dreams are just games of sleep. 

It could be that I didn’t wash my feet which caused me to experience such a weird dream, 

but, 

on second thought,

 the dream was not just a dream, so to speak. 

I dreamt of being hunted by meteors which bombarded heavily from the sky. 

Is it some kind of news? 

Childhood

I always get this weird sensation whenever I come across the topic of childhood. I feel like building a time machine to travel back to the past and meet the 'young' me and say these to him:

1. Hi, buddy. Can you tell who am I? I'm you. Future you. Yes you. Amazing ain't?

2. How's mak? And ayah? What' are they doing? Thank them for the love that they bless you with everyday.

3. It's great to see the way you have grown discovering this world, and become mature along with the people inside it. You see, I'm the product of you.

4. I always admire you, my past. I remember you didn't give way to indolence.

5. I like your style in executing your intelligence.

6. Good job for always being the center of attention in your class. Well, you are a smart boy after all. 

7. Thanks a lot for the football training. Hence, me today- a recognized talent with some lethal weapons.

8. But, I'm sorry. You would have to stop playing football for some period of time when you reach 19 years old of age. I'm really sorry. You just have to accept it. Don't worry. I found a way to bring us back on the pitch.

9. Your SPM result will not be that good. It's just so-so.

10. You will meet amazing people and make new friends.

11. Sometimes setbacks would mess up your life, but you will manage to overcome them.

12. You will grow up a handsome man, and have many admirers. What? You don't believe me? Have faith in yourself! (kui3)

13. You will meet a girl and fall in love with her, but due to some circumstances, you decide to break up. 

14. After your downfall, you will rise again and become a strong man.

15. I love you.

'Tis Thee

‘Tis thanking thee, for ‘tis the best

When and if I ever feel without rest

To whom I knew a summer’s brief

Reminiscences and memories redeem relief

‘Tis thanking thee, for who I am

A man of wisdom and much better than them

A killer of disgust of love and disdains

A believer of the One who eternally remains.

Short Story: Pieces of Me

                I was startled by her decision to lash out those painful and icy-cold words. She’s not her anymore. And she’s not here too. She whom I knew and thought as someone who was really kind has obviously gone to somewhere else so alienated even she could not recognize herself anymore. That girl in front of me at that moment was not Jenny. She’s the embodiment of her accumulated hatred and disdain towards me which I presumed have coagulated at the bottom of her heart for so long. Should I see this kind of predicament coming earlier, I would have fled away from our malfunctioning relationship. Falling in love with her was not a good decision at all, but still I perpetuated confessing and expressing my vulnerable emotion towards her despite the signs; after several on-and-offs.

                

               I met Jenny two years ago, a polite and smart girl who seemed to be every man’s dream girl, when I accidentally stumbled upon her in front of the library in the college. When I first saw her, my eyeballs could not initiate even the slightest degree of movement away from her. She was like an angel who descended from the heavens; her smiling eyes were calming, her wavy shiny black hair, her nose, they were all perfect.

               

               But now, considering the current condition, I feel nothing but emptiness. Void. It is void that is filling the emptiness. Well, everything started to change when Jenny got enrolled into one of the famous colleges in the country. Even though she kept denying the fact that she was not her old self anymore, but I always looked at her as different person. Her new friends had given her significant negative transformation to her life. I don’t like the way she talks now, the way she rolls her eyes when we pass by some guys by the streets, the way she loves me, the way she cares about me. She’s being extremely intolerant and egoistic with her own helluva of ideologies which dramatically contradict my principles. In short, I don’t love her anymore.