Verily, in this age, I, for one, do not suit to be a Finder-of-my-Another-Half. I’ve been there, but acted like a daft. She was someone special behind my back. It was 2008 when we were in the verge of Spm back then, when I began chatting with her in YM. Ever since, we kept chatting and texting each other, and eventually I fell in love with her. Maybe she did the same, but a bit later I guess.
She’s a beauty queen, yeah, in her prime I have to admit. Everybody seemed to like her, and loved her. That girl was famous in our school; she’s smart (her marks were always higher than me), all the teachers favoured her and a large bunch of juniors were always talking about her. None of these features resemble me; I’m just an average Joe, far from being a brainy student who would be praised, glorified, or even loved by everybody for his intelligence and genius. I’m thin (yeah, I know, that’s not a big deal). I heard stories about me which kinda gave me gist of what I am in the school for the girls back then: A NERD. Actually, it’s no biggie to address me as a nerd. At least I scored goals for our football team in some tournaments, and it was me who brought the team up to the quarter.
She did great in science and math, but not me. i don’t know where actually gone wrong in my study considering that I was once regarded as a top-notch kid in primary. I was not doing well in the last few years.
There were a few who knew about our budding love, and I felt slightly twisted and bashful about it. Well, there were times where some friends questioned about us, and that’s when my heart tore apart. “Layak ke kau dgn die?” “I think he’s better for her, not you”. Yes. I know goddamnits. I’m not the smart type. I’m just neutral. I’m just a super-normal boy who lives down the street and minds his own business.
Some times passed. My Spm result sucked. I flunked and funked. On the other hand, hers was great and compliments-inviting. My feeling mixed. Should I feel sad or should I feel happy? I chose to smile even though I didn’t get the ‘crowd- fencing-me-for-excellent-results’ like she and some other friends did. Comparing her result with mine, it was ‘bagai langit dengan bumi’. I was about to burst into tears but some bitter smiles from the colleagues who knew my pain calmed me.
Some years passed. She’s still the same she, doing excellent in academic and participated in many activities. That is when she made friends with some boys and i got jealous. i’m sorry. i can’t take out the green-eyed monster in me. seriously, it was eating me from the inside. i’m not pointing the accusing fingers to her. maybe it’s just me who felt so wrong and threatened about that. also, she carved some achievements in her study and co curricular programmes. eventually, she made her way to a practical training(intern) in a big company, while I was still grasping for gravity. i don’t know how should i react and how should i feel. I really despise the situation where my future wife holds a higher position and higher salary than me. I really hate it when my future wife is an extra outgoing person who will talk to everybody.
So, not wanting to love-sacrifice myself, i made up my mind and tell her the truth. i don’t want to mess up my mind thinking about how should i live with her in the future. to whom it may concern, if you are reading this, please know that I’m a new person who just thinks about his career life, his family, and getting away from being inferior towards you. i want to live a happy and blessed life. I hope you will find a nice guy who will love and cherish you every day, not like me. I don’t love you anymore. Trust me, it is all just about me, myself and I. I AM SORRY.
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